The woods...

Long before the Methodist church made a parking lot out of it there was a great park at the end of our street. Before the city made a park out of it there was a really cool stand of woods with a creek running through it at the end of our street. We were absolutely forbidden to go anywhere near these woods for fear we would fall in the creek, be eaten by a bear, or possibly have more fun than was legal in 1956. For these very reasons we spent every waking moment planning a trip to the woods, sneaking off to the woods, or running and playing with total abandon in the woods.


The day was a perfectly beautiful spring day when Glenn and I felt the urge to make a trip to the woods. It may have been okay if we had bothered to tell Momma where we were going….of course if we had told her we would have been forbidden to go. It makes perfect sense to both of us even today that our reasoning was sound in sneaking off. We scooted out of the house with no problem. When there are five kids in the house it’s barely noticeable when two go missing. We made it to the woods and were having the time of our lives within a few short minutes.

Had we known this would be our last trip to the woods we would have soaked it in with every breath. Too many times in life the things we love are taken from us with no warning. After less than an hour Momma came looking for us. She found us. She had a switch in her hand and a mean look in her eye. Glenn was able to run because his feet were actually on the ground. He was only four though and never gave running a thought. He decided his best approach was to hide behind a weed. He was spotted in a very short second.

If I had been on the ground I would have run halfway to Bedford before I stopped. Unfortunately I was mid-swing over the creek on one of the grapevines hanging from the oak trees. And, I was swinging toward a very irate Momma. I thought about letting go and falling into the creek. I would have survived with only a couple of broken bones. In the end though I landed right in front of her and took the first bite of that switch right across my skinny legs like a man. Being a man was short-lived however. I was squealing like a girl after the second or third hit. Glenn wet his pants while I was whipped so he got a couple extra licks for that. The walk home was rough. We were still getting an occasional swat as we worked our way up the hill toward home. We had never counted the kids we knew on the block until that day. There must have been a hundred of them. They were all outside as we went by. They were all watching. They were all whispering, “there but by the grace of….” or something of that sort.

We kept our distance from the woods while the wounds to our legs and pride healed. It must have been at least a week before we ventured down there again. To our shock and sadness there were bulldozers tearing those woods down to make way for a new city park. Our hearts were broken. We vowed we would never step foot in that park. Then we ran home as fast as we could before we were missed.

What to do...What to do...

Reflecting back over the past few weeks I've decided dieting makes me a real grump. I'm a much happier fat guy. I think I should give up this idea of losing weight and enjoy my days with all these wonderful people around me. In fact, I was convinced this is a great idea and should be implemented immediately....then on Saturday Andy climbed up in my lap, rubbed my belly, and whispered, "Papa, you REALLY need to get some exercise!"....SIGH.....

Sleep tips...

I felt really good when I woke up this morning. I actually woke before the alarm went off. I mean I REALLY slept well.


I have found the secret to a good night’s sleep and I’ll share it with you if you’re interested. The first step to a great night of sleep is to stand in front of the mirror and stare at your body until you have convinced yourself you do indeed still look sexy without any clothes on. During this time of positive thinking, take several pills from the cabinet and swallow them with a minimal amount of water. Don’t be concerned about what the pills are for. If you didn’t need them they wouldn’t have been prescribed. If you swallow them with too much water you will be awakened during the night with an uncontrollable urge to pee. This is not helpful to sound sleep.

The second really important thing to do is prepare for sleep. I try to not watch a bunch of dramatic shows on television before I go to bed. I recommend reading for a few minutes or playing on the computer to unwind. If you’re so inclined and possess the talent, as I do, you may choose to strum the guitar. This has been found to sooth your mate into a sound sleep as well. My wife immediately covers her head with a pillow and doesn’t move. She must be soundly asleep.

Third, I always hook up my breathing machine. I love my breathing machine. I no longer suffer from sleep apnea and my wife no longer suffers from my snoring. I highly recommend everyone get his or her own breathing machine.

The fourth step to a good night’s sleep is to make sure the TMJ jaw splint is firmly in place. Of course you can’t talk after this is installed so be sure and whisper those sweet nothings to your loved one before installing it. I have found the jaw splint to be very helpful in stopping my tongue gnawing. That is very painful and not an inducement to sound sleep.

Be sure you never miss step five in my list of sleep aid instructions. This step involves firmly placing those nylon wrist supports to both wrists. This keeps you from bending your hands in uncomfortable positions creating pain and possible carpel tunnel damage. If you have supports for your knees put them on as well. The look is quite stunning and will invite welcoming comments from your spouse.

After all this I recommend you give your spouse “The Look”. You know the look. Even if the splint is already in your mouth and the breathing mask covers your face, do not fail to give your mate the look. Say something sexy like, “hmmphf hoffwluf”. This will give your mate the chance to say something back to you concerning the weather conditions in hell. After this response you can go restfully to sleep without wondering if you passed up a good chance for some fooling around.

If you have other questions, please feel free to give me a call. Call before 8 pm.

Just stuff....

I feel like writing tonight but I just don't have anything on my mind....of course I've been told that hasn't stopped me before. It's hot outside and everything on TV is a rerun or stupid...usually both. I can't get into this book I've been trying to read and for some reason Debbie doesn't like for me to play my ukelele real often.....so-o-o-o, there just isn't much going on to write about.

Our dad turned 87 this week. He didn't seem particularly excited about the event even though Debbie and I took him out to eat at one of the finer fast food places in the neighborhood. I guess when I turn 87 I won't be too excited either....it's not like turning 100.  Now that's exciting! I can barely wait to see how things are going in the world when I turn 100. Oh sure, I'll still be looking for a job and I'll probably have gained another 50 pounds or so but I doubt much else will have changed. We have a stable economy, great leadership in Washington and Austin, and morality seems to be at an all time high so I expect things will be about the same 40 years from now.

I really need a pitch fork to turn my compost pile. Anyone have a spare one out there? Do you mind loaning it to me? Do you mind turning my compost pile? I'll give you a bag next spring....come on, it's hot out there.

Nathan and Andy both graduated from kindergarten this past month. I asked Andy what he was going to do with his life now that he had finished school. He said, "Huh?". I asked if he was really smart enough to have graduated and he let me know real quick he was. So I figured I better test him. I asked him how much was 10 minus 5. He said 5. I asked him how much was 5 plus 5 and he said 10. I said "okay, if you had 10 apples and gave 3 to Mammy, I stole 2 while you weren't looking and ate 1 but gave the other one back, and you lost 3, how many apples would you have?" He looked at me for the longest time and finally answered, "it was just kindergarten Papa".

I know, this one is just stuff...kind of boring really. To be honest, and this is between just us, Debbie thinks I'm in here searching the web for a job....let's not tell her anything different, okay?

Have a good evening!

Life with Debbie...

I try to record things I find funny in life. That way I can laugh at them more than once. The following conversation happened between Debbie and me a few years ago when I was working in South Arlington. She was going to Arlington to see the grandkids...

1. This is an actual phone conversation I had with Debbie earlier this morning as she drove toward Arlington from Hurst :



R "Hey it's me. Don't go south on 820 to I-20. I-20 is shut down due to a bad accident."


D "So how should I come?"


R " Take Precinct Line Rd past Hwy 10, cross the railroad tracks, and turn left at the light. Follow that road all the way around to Green Oaks, turn right on Green Oaks and follow it all the way here."


D "I think I've come that way before but I went straight at the light and hit Green Oaks."


R "No, if you go straight you will run into Randol Mill Rd which takes you right back to 820. Turn left at the light and you will run into Green Oaks."


D "Are you sure I can't go straight and run into Green Oaks?" I'm almost positive I will run into Green Oaks if I go straight at the light."


R "Okay fine. Why don't you just go straight at the light then."


D "Okay, if I go straight through the light I will run into Green Oaks?"


R "No, if you go straight at the light you will run into Randol Mill which will take you to 820."


D "So if I won't run into Green Oaks when I go straight why would you tell me to go that way??"


Later in the morning she called me and told me she was lost somewhere and sitting in the parking lot at Big Daddy's Liquor Store. I told her to look for the sun. If she was looking at the sun she should get right back onto the road and stay on it. If the sun was to her back she should get back on the road to the left and stay on it. She got to Jamie and Jennifer's a little while ago.

SHHH!!

This is a secret. I'm starting a diet today. DON'T TELL ANYONE!!!! Wish me luck because I need to lose a whole person. I hope to lose the fat guy.

Have a good day.